I was popularly known as Taliban Khan. I used
to be very critical of Americans and their Af-Pak Policy. I felt that we were
becoming a Chinese colony due to CPEC. I used to air views on Army atrocities
in Baluchistan and KP. All that changed. When I was selected as the PM by the Army,
I did my first U Turn. All these became my lifelines. I learnt my lesson in
leadership. To go up – do a U Turn. I started my tenure in earnest by giving up
on those buffaloes in my official residence. I started with ‘Naya’ Gyan for a ‘Naya’
Pakistan. I promised to take ten steps if India would take one, but I always felt
that Kashmir banega Pakistan. That was long back.
I had just returned from USA. The pitter
patter of rain and the promise of ‘mediation’ by the “Trumpet’. Ah! My cup was
full. It was blissful and somnambulant. Breaking news…. The TV anchor announced….
India Abrogates Article 370. Kashmir again! Damn you. Bliss gone. Call the
team. Draft a retort full of War hype, Nuclear exchange, Human rights and
illegal occupation. Sab hona chahiye. Flap time. As I finished reading the draft, I was told
that there was a bomb blast in Kabul. 39 people dead. I did a U Turn. Kya ho
gaya bhaijaan? The ISI spook started briefing. Taliban now had a mind of their own and were
out of control. They have deserted me. Imagine. I was once known as Taliban
Khan! My secretary then informed me – “Janab, a mine blast has sunk an oil
tanker off the Iranian coast. The Brits are pissed, and the Saudis are yelling”.
Another U Turn. “What is happening in Iran? Brother. Brief me”. I am supposed
to mediate there. “Sir. The Irani’s are saying nothing”. “Sir. Kashmir mein LOC
par zabardast Indian firing ho raha hai. Lot of own causalities”. Another U Turn. What a neighbourhood! From the
afternoon I am doing only U Turns. I remember the Trumpet smirking that I am “Living
in a friendly neighbourhood’.
“Sir”. “Yes?” “USA has called off talks with
Taliban”. Forget LOC. U Turn maro dost. American dollars are flying away. “Kuch
karo. Plan Banao. Amriki Sadar ko manao.
They should not dump us again”. Once upon a time I used to curse USA. Now it is
twice upon a time. Dollars! “Yes Sir. Excuse me sir. Par sir …” “ab kya hai?” …
“Chinese Ambassador online. He wants to discuss CPEC”. Another U Turn. CPEC
will make our country into a Chinese colony. I said this before being selected.
Is this fellow an Ambassador or a viceroy”? “Mr PM, the pace of CPEC progress
is too slow”. “Wang bhai! Aap toh iron brother ho! Itne dulhanon ko aapka awam
ke liya hamne bheja. CPEC can’t stop iron brother!”. “Sir MBS online”. “Chini bhai
I will speak later”. U Turn dubara. “I have considered ---your request for
another bail out. Not possible. Our refineries are blown. We are running out of
gas” “oh sir. What do I do? I must go to UN shortly. No money for plane ticket
also.” “Ok. My plane is going for servicing to USA. Lift mil jayega. First report
here”. “Thank you, sir. Jo hukum mere aaka. Kuch bhi chalega”. My head is spinning. What will we do
without USA, China and Saudi Arabia? Need
some tea. Chai Chod. Scotch lagao! Make it double.
“Janab. Small bad news”. Arre yaar let me drink in peace. “Sir one
Hindu temple has been disfigured”. U Turn time. “Tell me again? Who is this
idiot who did this? The RSS will get after me now! Find out” … “Sir, 4-5 Ahmadiyas have been killed in the
city”. U Turn again. “Who are these Ahmadiyas. When did they come here from Ahmedabad?
Who gave them visas? Did they come for the temple inauguration?” “No sir. They
are the same variety as the economic advisor you sacked” …. why only 4-5 killed
then? …. “What is in this chit handed over to me by the runner? …. It says six
Christians shot dead at point blank range”. Another U Turn. What do I tell the Pope?
No one explains why are there so many other ethnicities in this country? Wipe
them out. Kill them. Pakistan cannot have Na-Pak log. “Sir...”… ‘What now”?”… The
human rights commissioner is on the line”. “Tell him to go to Jahannum. Does he
not know that I am a selected PM? Tell him to speak to the COAS or Ghafoora”. I
only do what they say. So many U turns in a day? I am tired. Let me hit the
sack. Aur…woh jadu tona wali ko thoda dur rakhna.
“Janab. Good morning. Please wake up. Your
morning tea”. “Ok. Put on the TV for breakfast news... Arre, the anchor is
smashing. What’s her name? Can I meet her again? What is she saying?...nice
tea… what!? 1 litre of milk is costlier than I lire of Petrol? Lut gaye!”. “Sir
the anchor’s name is …Reham”… “forget it you buffoon. I know enough about her
…let me get ready. Call the finance
minister. Tell him to meet me in my
office at 9 am Sharp” …. “you are the FM. What is this Petrol – Milk business.
Prices through the roof!? “sir that’s nothing’”. Nothing? Prepare for U Turn!
Sir naan and roti is being sold for 20 rupees! There it goes. My first
pirouette of the day. “So, what are you
doing? Stop twiddling your thumbs. Fix the cost of Naan at 10 rupees. Anyone charging
more should be made to disappear like we make people disappear in Baluchistan
and elsewhere”. “Sir. No water in the city”. City? Since when? ... U Turn Ahead!
…“Sir don’t you remember we are a water scarce nation”. That is why I told everyone
to give “Chanda” for that Daimer-Basha Dam. Unless our NRPs give Chanda how,
can we build dams? No one gives us anything. So, no dam. No water. No Howdy Imran. Any way let
me sack the finance minister.
“Janab, let’s take a U Turn, your Internal
security briefing is about to start. Ghafoora is here”. Ghafoora , good guy.
Smooth talker. Fast liar. Ideal future COAS. “ kya haal hai Ghafoora”? “Janab.
Good Morning. Sab Khairiyat mein hai”. Liar. He will give lousy news. “Good.
Start”. “Sir we are planning to take stern action against PTM and TTP in KP”.
Why? ”One wants freedom and…and …..” “What is that guy whispering something in
your ear Ghfoora? .....”Sir we just got
news that there has been an attack on Chinese workers in Baluchistan”. U Turn.
Why? “They don’t want CPEC”. Why? “Bomb them with air force”. Must tell PAF to
hit the targets now at least correctly. They missed all their targets in
Naushera. “Tell them not to capture a Baluch Pilot who praises our tea”.” Sir
Balochis do not have an air force”. Aagh! So many U turns! Affecting my memory.
“Ok carry on”. “Sir. Some more flash news. A busload of Shias have been shot in
Gilgit”. This U Turn has rekindled all my memory. Weren’t all these terrorist
guys trained by the Army? “No sir. We just trained mujahideen, Al Qaeda, Osama
Bin Laden, LeT, HM, Jem, Haqqanis and sent a lot of them into Kashmir and
Afghanistan. We are trying to make a deal with IS. Sir we hid Osama Bin Laden
well sir. The world is praising us for the camouflage”. “Ghafoora! Stop! Do not
give state secrets away”. These are jewels in our crown.
Well for now that’s it for the day. My book
on ‘Art of U turns in International Leadership in Triangulated Conditions under
Stressful Circumstances’ is coming along nicely. The main lessons I want to
highlight are that all things come in threes to give you a triangle to
manoeuvre (including wives). When three
things happen simultaneously be prepared to take fast U Turns. Not necessary to
solve even one issue. Backtrack on all promises. No solution is the best
solution. Turn from one issue to another at such speed that the issue loses
you. It demands ability to take U Turns. When in doubt look over your shoulder.
The Army is always there. You must learn how to take fast U Turns if you want
to be good leaders. The more slippery the floor the faster the U Turn. ‘Leadership by U Turn’ is a very powerful form
of leadership. Practice it well. It is a guaranteed way to go up. Tomorrow I will
pen down my thoughts on more threesomes. I intend to cover U Turn leadership in
the following situations
Economic situation
handling in high debt, rising inflation and no income conditions with a begging
bowl.
Social Situation
of poor education, malnourishment and filthy sanitation.
Juggling between
IMF, ADB and World Bank with the FATF sword.
Sports losses in cricket,
hockey and others with India.
Political threat
of Maulanas, Army and Ex PMs trying to unseat you.
You must be wondering what this is all
about. I supported Kashmir single mindedly. I took the issue to UNHRC, UNGA and
USA. Did my U Turns on an hourly basis. Threatened war. Hyped Nuclear
catastrophe. No one believed me. International community was not interested. No
one bothered. Even the Brits who created us ditched us. That Ambassador who showed
false pictures, the Foreign Minister who called Kashmir an Indian state, the Railway
Minister who wants to nuke India with contraceptives and that Interior Minister
who said that he had trained terrorists as a brigadier started doing faster U
Turns. When that Maulana, Army and all ex PMs wanted to replace me, I went to Muzaffarabad
and held a big Jalsa after the UNGA. I exhorted people to march towards Kashmir.
I led a huge crowd to storm the LOC fence for my Kashmiri brothers for whom I
would do anything. I crossed the fence with them. Then I did my final U turn. I
turned around and saluted POK for good. For the last time. India and Naya Kashmir in worst times is
better than Pakistan in best times. Here I am now penning my book ‘Art of U
turns in International Leadership in Triangulated Conditions under Stressful Circumstances’.
I am happy to be here in India. Kashmir ban gaya India! By the way have you read
about that the new little states of the Indus Valley? No more U Turns!
fine print. disclaimer- this is fiction, any resemblance to living characters is coincidental.
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