THE JIHAD OF U TURN KHAN

Any resemblance to living beings is intentional

I am back from a great US trip! Everyone in Packistan loves me after my incisive short speech at the UNGA. I could have gone for another hour. The Muslim world is totally energised. I not only took their plane but upstaged the Saudis in the leadership of the Ummah. I am now on a jihad against India. The nation is going from strength to strength. I am now going to Chaina to meet Emperor Eleven Jinping. I am going to be briefed at the foreign office for a pre- brief of my trip…. the world is great. Life is good. Kya sukun hai! ………. Ah, here comes the foreign office. My FM. He is a better U turner than me. Proud of him.  “Salam Alei kum Janab. Welcome to the foreign office”. Wale kum salam Cuereshi. Let’s start the briefing…...The briefing was being done by a young officer. Hello young man where are you from? “Sir I am from ISI”. No. No. Which area are you from? “Sir I am from Murdike and I am Hafeez Sayeed’s nephew”.  Ideal credentials! The fellow has a bright future in Packistan. This is indeed deep selection. One day he will become foreign secretary.      

“Sir I shall begin with an environmental scan”. Ok. Ok. Good.  “Janab, Saudi Arabia has announced a 100 bn investment in India”. What! That MBS rat! Imagine , I even chauffeured him. He gave me a plane ride ... on a defective one. ”Sir Saudis are upset with  your speech. They wanted to call the plane back.  Hai! You were stuck in New York without a return fare! We had to dip into the donation fund which you had started to build dams for your ticket.  Kya zamana aa gaya!”. FM Cuereshi interjected “Sir, these days one cannot trust anyone”. True. That includes you. You told me we had support of 58 members for the 47 member UNHRC in which not even 15 supported us. “Sarkar! Maine aapka namak kaaya. This is the handiwork of Maleeha” Maleeha? She is a blue-blooded anti Indian! “Nahin sir! Daal bahut kaala hai janab. Not since her son married a Hindu” Hindu! Of all things. Sack her. But who will replace her? “Janab, we have an ideal guy. Beats his foreign girlfriend regularly.  Anti-India and loves Nuclear holocausts. Totally like you sir. In all respects” Cuereshi. Cuereshi. Stop licking. That too in public. You were right only in one thing. You said that there was nobody with garlands waiting in UN for us. When I landed at New York, forget garlands or red carpet, even a foot mat was not there. “sir , I believe the Pakistani passport is the third worst passport to travel with”.  Anyway.  Appoint that wife beater. Young man go on. “Thank you, sir. The Bangladesh PM is to visit India shortly”.  Secretary!  Secretary! Get their PM online. Immediately. I must instruct her what to talk during her trip to India…….…what is the delay…………... “Sir madam has said that you can try after some time. She is busy”. What? She has the guts to keep me waiting! Doesn’t she know that Bangladesh is our second-rate offspring...I will give her my piece of mind when she comes online. Anyway, Youngman carry on till the call comes through.

“Janab, The FM had talks with Taliban. There was lot of jappi – pappi with Mullah Baradari”. I thought to myself. Pappi with Baradari? I never knew Cuereshi had such habits. “We told them to sign the deal with USA without any violence or bomb blasts. We will get money from Amrika to keep them in check. Which we will not.  After the Taliban can do anything. All surplus fighters can be sent to Kashmir. We can use them to tell the world that Jihad against India has begun by Taliban and IS”. What a bright boy. “Sir. Training in Balakot has restarted”. Following his uncle’s footsteps so well. The crème de la crème of Packistan. “Sir the situation in Kashmir is tense. A full-fledged march is being organised from Muzaffarabad to the LOC. Lot of response from all over the country. All due to your clarion call for Jihad. We will disguise all Packistanis as Kashmiris” Stop it! Stop it. Who said this march should take place? “You sir. You only said that we will support Kashmiris till the last Packistani. That you will lead the march”. That was not what I meant. I meant that we will support the cause till the last Kashmiri. Any way if these chaps cross the LOC. India will imprison them and treat them as POWs. We can’t afford to be in a 1971 situation. Roko. Container lagao.  Erect barbed wire. Deploy police. No one should cross LOC. If Packistanis fight in Kashmir, who will fight in Baluchistan and KP? All those fellows…... no brains... do not know when to take a U turn.” Right sir. Can we take a break to pass instructions?” ok.ok.

Cuereshi can we have some coffee please in the meanwhile… ah. Good coffee. Where is it from? “Coorg sir. Got it through Dubai sir”. What a country! cannot even produce a decent cup of coffee.…. “Sir” Yes? “The COAS addressed the Economic Council yesterday Janab. Without you Janab. The media is calling it a soft coup”. Arre Cuereshi! Confused guy. Pehle, what is this Soft Coup? I have heard of Soft Power, Soft Target, Soft Porn. Par Soft Coup kya hota hai? The COAS must be holding a meeting with the economic council for all his Army’s business interests ranging from producing corn flakes to bakery products to movies to developing housing societies to dairy farming. They will suffer otherwise. The Pakistan Army is a business house. Not a fighting machine. They have lost all wars without missing an opportunity to make money. Lastly, mere bhai. I am a selected PM. By an Army selection committee. Through deep selection. How can the COAS do a coup against himself. Don’t worry. “Janab. That Maulana and Bilawal are planning a long march to Islamabad to remove you. They say that you are a Katputli and a Bulbula”. Don’t worry. Long marches are our history. All the containers have been taken over by the Army to shift their personal assets to Swiss Banks by road through the BRI. Not understood? Containers are an important part of Rasta Roko. I perfected the art. I wrote that SOP. I know there is already talk of my being shunted out. Who will they get? Those fellows in jail? Will army take over? As it is, I am only doing what they want! Can they bring the Packistani rupee down from 156 to a dollar? Also remember. I have an exit option. I am the self-appointed Ambassador for Kashmiris! I already have re-employment!  Let’s get back to the briefing.

“Janab. Orders have been passed. Now sir the briefing on Chaina”.  What is the reaction of foreign media on Seepack? “Sir. Many angles sir. Many are saying Seepack stands for Colonisation of Packistan and Enriching Chaina. Some are saying that Seepack is stalled and dead. Sir you will have to reassure the Emperor Eleven that it will be revived sir”. You know what? I have a clear strategy. I will first fall on his feet and pay my obeisance. Total chaploosi karoonga. I will tell him that I told the Amrikans that their infrastructure was poor compared to China. So, what if they compared me to a welder in Bronx. He will become happy.  Phir main uske jeb mein haath dalunga. Just like we do with all countries – pehle pair pakdo, phir jeb kaato. How am I bothered if CPEC comes through or not? Paisa should come. We are now cash strapped, economically struggling and diplomatically isolated. When I assumed office, the per capita debt was 35000 rupees. Now it is 150000 rupees. Naya Packistan will be built on loans. Anyway, we have never repaid any loan. What is the news on the FATF front? “Sir we have failed to pass most of their tests. We might get blacklisted”. Bhaijaan. I will beg the Emperor to ensure that it does not happen.  What will happen to our iron brother friendship if we get blacklisted when China has the Chair of the FATF committee. I will also tell him that I will not be able to stop terrorists from entering Xinjiang if they can not help us. Tell Hafeez Sayeed and that fat JEM guy to get some blasts and suicide bombers organised in Shigatse. “Great strategy sir. That Amrikan general was right! Now I am understanding why we are a dangerous country. Great Jihad sir”.  Ah that’s nothing. All in a day’s work.  

“Janab. The Bangladesh PM is online. She has finally consented to speak for five minutes. She specifically said tell your PM not to ramble. This is not UNGA”. She has such guts!? Put on the speaker so that all of you know how I will tick her off. Good Morning madam. I am U Turn Khan from Packistan. You kept me waiting. I hope you know that I have declared jihad on India. Convey my displeasure to Modi and condemn RSS for genocide in Kashmir…. “Hello Khan.? You did not even know Veer Savarkar’s name when you bumbled at UNGA. BTW Who are you are to speak for Islam?  Do you know what it means? You country of beggars. I hope you know that Bangladesh is growing at three times the rate at which Packistan is going back. We have eight times your forex reserves. You are trying to tell me what to do? You cannot even take a step without asking permission from your peerni wife. Genocide? Genocide is what your uncle did in 1971 after you barbarians imprisoned my father. Genocide is what you are carrying out with your Army of rapists in Baluchistan. You could do nothing after India scrapped Article 370. You are the illegal political offspring of your Army. Both of you have lost face at home and abroad.  Kashmir is India’s problem. let them solve it. Get lost you idiot.” ………….”Janab! ..janab!…your eyes. They are popping out! Sir. Sir your face! it’s gone red. Ooye! …Call the doctor quickly! Ambulance bulao. Lagta hai heart attack ho raha hai….. Kya Jihad hai yeh?.... Iska ab aisi haal hai toh, jab Modi aur Gyarah mahashai, Mamallapuram mein  joola mein julenge tab kya hoga”?

Parting Shot

I heard this on a Pakistani Channel which I cannot help but share.

Pakistan is like a heart patient which needs a complicated multiple bypass. It goes to the best heart specialty hospital, which is another Pakistan. The hospital is outstanding in all respects except that it is going bankrupt due to lack of a heart surgeon. The only doctors available in the hospital are orthopaedics with fake degrees like many other things in Pakistan.

Which Pakistan will survive?